Nailing the Head Coach Bullseye – Chucking Darts with Eagles Brass
by Jerome's Friend
Jeffrey Lurie is a pretty good dart player. Well, about as good as your average corner bar-frequenting Eagles fan. But you wouldn’t know it by looking at him now. “Dammit,” he mumbled.
“So close,” said Eagles’ President Don Smolenski.
“Bob Kraft would’ve made that shot.”
“Good news. Bob doesn’t have to.”
Deep within the confines of the Novacare complex, Lurie and Smolenski stand in Lurie’s office, facing a wall that looks a lot like something you would see in a CSI episode. There is a large map of the United States with multi-color pushpins and pictures of what look like potential head coach candidates… Bill O’Brien, Mike McCoy, Lovie Smith, Gus Bradley, and dozens more. There are blue pushpins for defensive coordinators, red for offensive coordinators, yellow for college coaches, white for prior NFL coaches, and so on. Some pictures are in color, some in black and white, some look wrinkled and folded and others crisp, like they were still warm from the printer. And some, like O’Brien’s and Chip Kelly’s, are marked in red with a big “X”. There are also blue and red strings connecting silver pushpins, all converging on an oversized pin pushed on the city of Philadelphia. And of course, the map was littered with dart holes.
Lurie turned toward Smolenski and asked, “Where is Howie with that picture of Chudzinski? I need that picture of Chudzinki so we can put it on the board and X him out.”
“He’s coming. He had an issue with the coffee machine,” answered Smolenski as he handed Lurie three darts.
“Haha… He wants to buy a new one, but I told him it’s not in the budget.”
“Very funny, sir.”
Lurie faces the wall and raises his arm, ready to throw when Howie Roseman runs into the office, hot coffee dripping from the Eagles mug onto the carpet. “Here you go Mr. Lurie, just the way you like it. And the picture of Chudzinski. There’s a little coffee stain on it. Sorry.”
“Ugh. Fine. Pin the picture on the map, will you? And put the coffee down on my desk.”
“Thank you sir. I also brought a picture of John Gruden, just in case.”
“Dammit Howie!” said Lurie angrily. “No! No John Gruden! You know Christina had a thing for him. He’s off the board!”
“Sorry, sir. I forgot.”
“It’s a good thing you make better coffee than Banner. Ok, back to business…”
After Roseman pinned the picture, Lurie resumed his pose. Facing the wall he raised his arm, bent back at the elbow, and flung his first dart at the board. The dart landed in Canada. He threw his second dart… it landed in Lake Superior. His third dart hit the red-X’d face of Bill O’Brien squarely in the jaw.
“How’d I do,” asked Lurie.
“Not great,” answered Smolenski. “Maybe we should take off the blindfold.”
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